J-J

Went to a psychatrist today for the first time.

In the train, on my way, I was all like "shiiit where the hell am I going to start? Should I tell story my entire life from the start? Or should I go straight to the point? But which point? My mum's issues? My first love suicide? My not so recent but still heartbreaking breakup with Niall?  My unability to fight for my dream and my fear of failure? My lack of confidence? Dammn there's so much!!"...I also wasn't sure I'd be able to talk, I knew I could easily close up and make sure nobody gets in. 

But I did talk. I did talk an awful lot. 

There was, indeed, a lot to say.

But where I felt deeply hurt was when he asked me if the breakup had been hard. Couldn't say "sure was easy, he didn't love me despite all I've given him but I understood him and accepted it, that's life..."no, I couldn't say that cos it wasn't true. So I said yes, it was difficult. Because I felt denied and rejected. Because I gave him my heart to understand and look after and instead of looking at it, he eventually went for a beer  instead. So yeah, sometimes relationships doesn't work but how am I suppose to feel now?
And again, I almost fell appart when I mentionned Yann. I did my best not to let any of my tears fall down but the sound of my voice betrayed me more than once. And his death is a measure issue for me, if not why will I be crying EVERY FUCKIN TIME I mention his name.

BUT, on the way back home, something else came up. I remembered myself saying "I am not ready" and only then, I couldn't hold anymore. He had asked me if I was dating and I answered : "I am not ready". That simple sincere out of my chest sentence made so much more sense now. I kept telling guys recently that I didn't want a relationship because I wasn't ready but it isn't only about building a relationship or being able to fall in love again...it's about being ready to be someone. And I'm not. 

And I am feeling proud of me for being aware of it. I am working on myself somewhere, slowly but I'm making the move. I came back here, I went back to college, I refused relationships, I've started the process of re-building myself out of my heavy past and it gave me the huge faith that one day I'll feel "fixed" again.

I'm alone but I need to be.