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Here it is: I fall for guys who challenge me intellectually or spirituality but because I'm not at their own "high" level (of ego) I find myself endlessly trying to keep up and prove them I worth it... when from theirs criterias, I don't and I end up acting insane and being doomed/rejected/despised...
Erw. Ét. Jul. all over again..
Okay now we've got the problem.

What's the deal? What's the issue here?

First I'm not confident with myself. Even being realistic and being way aware I've got a lack of culture and a really crap memory.. I seem to have built a profound inferiority complexe leading to instantly fail or worse doing everything to mess stuff up.

Second, I'm a lazy fuckin Bitch. I know I have the potential I do but I just don't use it, I just don't do it. Why ? Refer to the first point.

Third.. I am probably insane. I can't stand boreness and this shittest life everybody seem to be handling ok I never cared for it. I wanted my life to be full of "Bigs" even if it meant obstacles and dramas.. That's when I find it exciting and real and where I feel alive.. When life purposes start to make sense and when it has real deep emotional means. Love sadness death.. Signs of something even bigger.

What's the solution here ?

Keep fitting that world I truly despise.. Run away from conventions by travelling all my life.. I wish.. Internally create the Complicated..
Done done done..

Dunno.. Don't know what to fix and where to star.. Don't know if my dysfunctional behavior can still be changed and how to process..

I am a screwed up. And I do need help.