HandFace

 

I just can't believe I've told him. I did it. It could have taken me months to admit it to myself. But WOLO. I stopped in front of him before to leave and I blew it out, everything unfolded and when the flow finally left the room, he said :  "I'm sorry."

He had told me before, only because I asked him clearly chosing words not for him to escape the question, that he didn't fancy me. That he thought I had understood it. How could I have understand when he was looking at me this way? Is it just new to him? Was he just protecting himself? Why is everybody telling us that something is going on between us?

I was following my instinct and my knowledge, so far, on men's behavior. And what it looked like was that he likes me but was too damn afraid to accept it himself.

BUT, it's like a game for him, I'm some kind of unknown specimen flattering his ego, filling his lack of exaltation, being funny, turning around him and satisfying is tendency to egocentrism. Same game I let myself play years ago with a guy from school I had huge admiration for. Is this love? Was I right to tell him? 

At that stage, I just need to stick to the fact that he chooses to tell me he didn't feel the same way. So I started the "moving on process". Only a day goes by and here, he is telling me, out of nowhere, he's happy to see me and other littles things that made me think "Hey! He does like me!". But he's like a serie of waves, going way above his head and falling way under his feet. He probably realised he said too much and went back miles behind. Is it cos he IS scared? Don't have a clue anymore.

Today is the first day for weeks we aren't exchanging some kind of stupid texts. I am wondering if I should really give up and believe him when he says I'm the 1% of women he will never be attracted to. Too stupid, too crazy, too hysterical. I can't be weak tough. I'm not gonna text him, plus, he has been really out of consideration of my own feelings lately and... I can't just laugh about it.

Will I move on? I have to. I always said when you meet someone who matches you it has to be/feel simple. With him it's a challenge. He's not reachable so I'm going buldozer. When too strong/straigth doesn't work I'm trying humor, or when humor doesn't work either I'm faking to be smart. Yesterday I pretented I didn't like Houelbecq style of writing when I haven't read one book of him, or I said that before "le siècle des Lumières" there weren't many things interesting to read when I didn't have a clue of what was litterature after that.
This has to stop, I mean, if he doesn't like me as he says and isn't able to see whatelse I can offer why would I persevere.

This is just another me trying to make people like me? Or me bored trying to create some excitement? Or is this me really falling in love? 

Whatever. I'm not gonna persist to seduce a guy who can't see outside the boxe. What I really need he's a guy fighting for me for once. I probably don't worth it "smartness wise" but I kinda hope I'm not that stupid.

I'm going to hide a bit in libraries, a hand on my face and think before to see.