imagesLove is a drug.

It hits you straight in the heart and eat you so quick you've no way to turn back.
I saw him, once. I turned back over myself and faced a stranger. A charming one. One of those, you think "Hey, he's real good looking". And by then you're already screwed. You might be sober, or even being on the defensive side of yourself, boom, the guy starts talking and you can't run away more than a few minutes before curiosity fills you up again and you end up going back to him... when it's not him who follows you around...Cat and Mouth, excepted you've just became the stupid mouth playing along like the cat.

Like a cigaret. Like alcohol. Like drugs.

You're all like, keep cool, he's just another drunk asshole flirting around looking for sexe or fun or time to be wasted, but even if you don't know it yet, you've already fell way down the hard path. Love at first sight? No, you couldn' t say that, that would be naïve...but you're thinking "what if?", "What if this one was different?" or even worse "what if this one was THE one?". And that's the end of it. 

The guy sober up, you haven't filled his expectations for some reasons you know disppoint you in your own and deep self. You haven't been smart enough, you haven't teased his attention enough, you weren't beautiful enough, worse, again, you didn't totally let go and he will never know now who you really are. 

He propably IS the wrong one after all. Because he never let you the chance you thought you desserved. You realise he actually never really try to know you. He kept talking and talking about him, his life, everythings that he's done, that he knows, he spread all his smartness over you like you were the shitty piece of bread that need to be buttered up. And you let him. You've tried the hardest to fill the blank of your own lack of culture and you miserably failed. Your ego is badly hurt and you wish you were the strong and clever girl you've wanted to be since you were little and never really became. But hey, you're other things too.

Right now though, you're only lost, and feeling good at listening to people, story to make you feel useful on Earth. The Mother Theresa syndrome, daughter of God, doctor of pain, convincing yourself the only reason you're here is to help others. 

Him, you can't help. He doesn't wanna be helped. He doesn't want you. 

He might have told you, as a reason or as an excuse, that he didn't forget his ex. What a fuckin reason. You'll not believe him, because you want to believe Love goes a long way if you only try it. 

So then you face yourself again and you realise that it is not you who weren't good enough for him but him who was to screw up to, at least, look passed the short time he spent with you. And that's not that he's not smart. You know he is. He might just be scared or so obssessed with himself he can't see further his own little nose. That wouldn't be the first time.

Unfortunately, it's too late. As I said Love is a slutty drug.

A day later, you feel better, past goes away, your defense memory pushed his face in a deep and locked drawer of your heart with all those who hurt you a way or another. You're not even angry at him or at yourself. That's life. You don't actually care that much. You don't despise man kind either, you're way passed that state of mind, you're just hoping the next time you fall for someone, that person would feel the same. That's all. And then, you're being smart again and focus on other things that matters more. Like your books or movies or studies. Your future as a single woman.

But like a drug addict, sometimes you find yourself pinched in the heart in the middle of nowhere, thinking I wouldn't mind being asked for a kiss again...actually I wouldn't mind seeing him again. Keep strong, the feeling will disappear soon enough. Give you the time of a cure. His name might have taken over all the others guys names, from your ex to the several one night stands. But he's probably just the closest version of what you were looking for in a guy and not even a perfect one. Still you keep hoping life will surprise you, but you'd rather expect never to see him again for you not to be disappointed. An then, you think again.

And you know life's complicated. Love hasn't any universal definition. And who knows what's going to happen next. So, because you actually liked him somewhere just as a person, you surprise yourself being able to only expect friendship from it. And if not, who cares. You're so not going to waste another minute.

Because after all, c'était sûrement juste un coup de coeur. 

And you're way stronger than that.