How I feel.

After Niall called me to break up, I called Dorian, then, Laura, then my mother. Dorian told me to come straight away to see him, Laura told me to be strong, my mother told me to get up and make my mind busy.

I took the transport to meet Dorian, I was lost, everything around me were in black and white, slow. I knew he'd break up with me, I had written this fact on my diary a couple of times before, but to hear from him that he didn't care when I came to Dublin  the last time or that he couldn't be himself with me, was just terrible. I knew we were crossing a bad stage. I kept thinking it was because of the distance. I have a really deep respect for him, all he did for me, but indeed those last troubles made me looking for love in his eyes... but I knew we just needed to show each other who we were and...to reply to this solution we needed to be together more. When I think about all he has never seen with/in me, like me smaching the winter, my red nose hidden in a scarf, me behind a camera directing a film unit, me focus on my computer writting a new story, me drunk, me funny climbing onto a statue to scream that I love life and how much love is beautiful, me jumping on a man to fight and protect my brother, when I think about all he misses I start to be really sad. Because the point his, force to try to be nice in front of his friends, his parents, his sisters, I completly forget to be myself, and he didn't even let me the chance to have time to do it. The same for him, I knew him more than he thinks, for sure, and I knew I wasn't watching him completly himself, but like I thought it was difficult in 2days to be ouserlves really, I 've never lost the hope. I knew we needed to be together to keep the fire works, we did when he was in Australia, but our come back to Europpean reality killed that. How can we be quiet and full of trust/love between his future in Ireland and mine in France...

The point is, he doesn't think like me, for him love disappeared or has never existed that's why we are here.
Well, for me love was still here, distance was killing us slowly, but I thought if we had kept the fight we'd win and be really the best. I remember him telling we'll show to the others we'll be different. *I didn't want to lose at least the fact that we were fuckin' full of good things.

But I obviously started to be scared and I didn't react like I should. Or maybe I couldn't.

On the way to see Dorian, I get lost. I cried a lot walking around without aim. I asked myself why he was running away for me, how I made him like that...why suddenly he was forgetting all we did to be together until here...why he wanted to lose me...Obviously I blame myself, and obviously I regretted a lot to be sometimes so heavy, so damn girly, so damn crap.

Dorian found me crying dressed with the famous dress that I bought in Melbourne because I was sure Niall will love me in. This hippy dress that I used to love a lot. Do invited me to drink in a café. I didn't really speak, I was shocked. I just told him how much my heart was sour. And IF I've never really loved Niall, that would be impossible to suffer like I was suffering. Love was definitely down here, all my heart was screaming how much I loved him and I was afraid to really lose him.

Dorian left me and I asked my brother who was here for the week-end to catch me on the way home. He received me in the middle of the bridge on one's knee, whereas I was cryinga lot, with a bunch of flowers . I smiled. It was so beautiful, my family was here for me, it was time to stop to complain. My Dad as crap he is came back home as well, and I forced myself to go with them eat something outside. I didn't eat nothing. I just couldn't.

On Friday morning, Niall replied to his phone. I was so sad that I needed to try one's luck, even if I had already accepted his decision, I needed to explain my opinion, maybe he forgot something..maybe he'll realize something.
My brother and I spent the day together, we went to the cinema. Laura met us, we made some shopping. I tried a beautiful blue dress, I'd seen this dress before, I wanted to buy it for Niall. In the cabin, I start to cry because I realized that nobody's was loving me anymore, Niall will maybe never see this dress and never think again I'm gorgeous or have butterfly in his stomach, and I know that's stupid but I regret again my long hair thinking it was because of that. Niall used to love my hair, my long frange falling on my left eye. And now I was grey, my eyes full of tears, and sitten in the cabin, I finally understood that maybe he had never really been in love with me like he used to tell me. Maybe I would have had to never believe him when he told me "I love you".

My brother and my Dad had planned to go to see a football match on the evening. I did'nt have a lot of choices. Or I'll spend the night alone to cry and maybe risk to call him in panic...or I'll go to drink a lot in a bar with Laura...finally I called this asshole of Justin. Strangely, the only person that I was able to see was him. Because he's living in a place far away from Paris, because I knew Oliv and others of his flatmate will be here and it could make my mind busy and because I wanted to move on. I spent the night to drink and smoke cigarets sitten in a sofa between all his friends. I listened to them and I share many conversations. When they left to go to bed, I fell asleep on the Justin's shoulder. We slept together. On the morning, alcool wasn't in my blood anymore, I couldn't stop myself to think about Niall, where he was, how he felt, if he was sad or happy, drunk or asleep...I called him. I knew it was a mistake, I knew when he lied to me with this story of phone whithout network, it was to have time without me. I was so sad. I hoped he'll understand. And as I guessed he didn't reply. I texted him how much my heart was sour on the morning and that I was sorry. He didn't call or text me back.

I didn't go to work. I called them and I told them the truth, Niall broke up with me on Thursday and I was so sour to go to work.
Justin forced me to eat something, he cooked some crepes and gave me one, telling me he'll be sad if I didn't taste one. I still couldnt really. We went, with a one of his flatmate, to lay down across the river, I walked a bit under the sun, looking at the ducks and other birds fighting for some bread...time was running without me.

On the train to come back to Paris was the worse, I cried again and again and again, looking at my phone, waiting for a call, or something from Niall... Does he think about me? Is he sad or not... Maybe he's already flirting with an other girl... maybe he's thinking I'm just so crap and as crap that I couldn't stop myself to call him or something like that even he needed time.Maybe he's thinking I'm so crazy that I want to get him back. I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to show him how much I could be strong, how much I only wanted us happy...I was still scared to lose him completely. So I started to think maybe we could be at least friend. I didn't want to do the same mistake than before. But I realize maybe he'll never need me like a friend, maybe he actually completely doesn't care of me...maybe...

The truth is I was suffering too much and I needed him to help me..selfishely. And I'm angry against myself for that. I would like to stop to fuckin hope all the time. I would like to believe in me more. I would like to find in myself the courage to live without to be loved by him...or anyone else.

I had promised to Laura and Max a party on saturday night. But I was like in autopilot. I came back home, and I went to bed. Around 10.30pm, Max forced me to do something with myself. He choose some clothes for me, ordered me to go to take a shower. I obeyed. Not because I didn't have choice, because it was the best thing to do. I choose a night club on the net, and I noticed to Laura to meet us in front of. On the road to go there, we stopped, Laura, a friend of her, and Max, at the Charly Birdy and I asked a bottle of Champagne. I get drunk. In the nightclub, I danced everywhere with everybody, I danced all night long, my brother payed us a bottle of vodka, I was nearly passed out. I went to the toilet and I started again to cry. I was not drunk enough to forget how much I was sad, how much I was thinking to Niall every 2sec. I remembered all our best memories. I asked myself why if it was not love. I asked myself why I was crying like that if I wasn't in love. Why if we were strong until here, he choose to leave me...I knew distance made us bad. Why if Niall knows me he decided to abandon me...and if he didn't love me why we had all those beautiful moments together...I wanted to tell him how much I was sure we could be happy again together. How much love was a question of "will". Want to respect someone, want to understand someone, want to let someone a chance to make us happier. But I needed to be strong for Laura, and my brother.

When I came back to the party, my brother looked awful.. I knew he drunk to much. It was time to leave. When I asked him to get up, he started to be aggressive. I took our bags and stuff back from the loge and I asked him to follow me. But he was really not happy with that, and outside one of the men who tried to seduce me and Laura earlier get nervous and starded to call his friends. I tried to stop them, but the situation get mad, I shouted that my brother was drunk that's all but they really wanted to fight, so I told them that it was my brother and if they wanted to fight they needed to fight with me before...well, it was not the cleverest reaction. One of them pushed me and I kicked him on his face but an other one, on the same time, hit my brother and I finally fell on the floor right on my head. I fainted.

When I woke up, Laura was holding my hand, the fire brigade was here, cops as well. I wanted to see my brother, they didn't want me to move. I could hear his voice somewhere, he was fighting with cops. I spent the rest of the night looking at so many differents ceilings. From the fire truck, from outside, from the hospital. Everytime I closed my eyes, I was thinking to Max and...Niall. My heart, and my head now was so sour. I was so sad. My brother had said too many things to me, he remembered me all I still feel guilty about our childhood, I realized how much he was sad inside, and how much army made him so deeply hurt, how much I had been so crap, so selfish, everytime, how much I needed to be here when he maybe needed me. How much my reactions in front of those assholes was the crapest one...He didn't even have time to kick their ass, one of them bach him on his right eye, he was loosing blood, too much, he couldn't even open it. Why every time I want to show everybody I'm the strongest, why I was stupid, why I didn't just run away, him in a hand, or let him fight instead of me first. In the fire truck he was angry against me, I knew because of me again he had lost his ego.

At the hospital, Max runned away. Laura told me to let him go, he was drunk, he'll come back after a while, for sure. She was still holding my hand. The male nurses told me I needed a scanner. But when I'm finally arrived in the scanner room, they asked me too many questions about pregnancy and stuff, and they turned back. I needed to pass a pregnancy test before. A disaster in my head. I remembered Niall said their parents probably stayed together all this long because of their children...I had a crazy think, and I suddenly hoped one second to be pregnant. Even if I knew was not possible. And after to had pee in they fuckin box, they confirmed I was not. Of course I was not, stupid girl, I was totally scared about to be pregnant. I was deeply sure I'll be a good mother, but all around me was just shit, and even I was really in love, I was still afraid that the father just abandonned me afterwords. I started again to cry. Niall abandonned me. He didn't even call me drunk. He was somewhere one hour and a half away from here, certainly drunk in the middle of this festival, and he maybe didn't even think about me here in the middle of this fuckin hospital.

In the corridor, I suddenly heard my brother's voice. He had returned. He was screaming that all Carcassonne will come soon and burn all Paris. Still drunk, but still him. I had my scanner. I fell asleep in the machine. And I woke up again, Laura holding my hand somewhere else. My father was here, with my brother. A nurse came and told us to wait a bit till the doctor come back with the prescriptions. My scanner was good, she said. Nothing broken. I could get up. But I haden't eat since wednesday night and I was too fragile.

We all nearly fell asleep on the waiting room. After a long long time, the doctor came and finally gave us the prescriptions. In the car to give a lift to Laura, I forced myself to keep my eyes opened. But when we let her at ther flat, I fell asleep on the back of the car, my phone in my hand. The last memory that I've got here, it's me pressing "Niall Babynou" on the screen, and hung up before to hear again his voicemail. My heart was more sour than ever. I was alone, my brother full of blood, my father disappointed. I fell asleep like I was dying.

I woke up again in my bed. Alone. I checked my phone, it was around 4pm. I get angry. I just needed to call Niall. I wanted to tell him everything. But his phone was off. I fell asleep. I think I ring him again, half awake half asleep, and I finally texted him. At the moment here, I just needed a friend. And I fell asleep, exhausted, again... until today. Monday.

10.30am, no call from him. A lot of calls from everybody, Laura, Tania, even Melvyn and Bachir. They all heard about my break and the fight. They were all here to tell me that I needed to be strong. I cried. I was losing hope.

I stayed in bed for ages. Looking at the window. My heart so heavy. I couldn't stop myself to cry. Niall was certainly on the way to come back home from this festival. He told me he'll come back on the morning. I still tought he'll call me. I still tought we could'nt stop like that...I felt really bad. He maybe didn't want to see me or call me or even think about me anymore. I maybe totally lost him.

I got up. For Tania, for Laura, for the others. I forced myself to do something. To be strong. I took a shower. And I called my doctor. He told me to come straight away. He gave me a medical certificate until wednesday. On the way back home, I decided to walk. I cried on the bridge and I decided that it was time to eat again.

I'm sure of nothing. But I won't let me die again.   

Comments

[K]

I agree the last sentence.
It seems that you've got talent to get in worst & worst by yourself. You've choosen the wrong guy too. Always some cowards. Anyway, I hope you'll pass throug this.